Surprise! America still thinks goofy white boys with guitars are the end all and be all of music!

Ok so here’s the thing, despite all evidence to the contrary in every other post I’ve written this season, I don’t think that the new season 11 champ is the actual devil, nor do I think that he is entirely talentless. However, I flat-out refuse to acknowledge THAT guy as the rightful champion of what I consider to be one of the greatest overall seasons in Idol history. After watching my girls Elise, Skylar and Hollie fall one by one followed by The Incomparable Mr. Joshua Ledet, the final showdown between Jessica “Bebe Chez” Sanchez and Stubbles McSnoozefest was a little painful to watch. It was like watching a double rainbow duke it out with a literal pile of dog shit, while throngs of teenagers and housewives crowd around screaming “GO DOG SHIT, GO!” It was like that funny slacker kid you used to get high with in high school rolled out of bed one morning and into a singing contest against actual real life Rachel Berry. Seriously, dude, WHAT are you doing here?

It doesn’t really matter though, because tonight may be remembered in official Idol history as the night Guitar-Totin’ White Guy #5 took the Idol crown, but I’ll be remembering this night for a long time to come as the night that a 16-year old girl named Jessica Sanchez and the legendary Jennifer Holliday enacted an exhibition of vocal prowess so epically awesome it blew my mind right out the back of my skull and halfway across my living room. Not only was that performance hands down THE moment of the entire season, I do believe that it ranks among the top 3 greatest musical moments I’ve ever witnessed on the Idol stage. Jessica Sanchez was not always my personal #1 this season, but she is without doubt an extraordinarily gifted vocalist, and with that final performance she proved just how extraordinary she is by holding her own opposite a vocal beast (while said beast attempted to LITERALLY EAT HER FACE!):

In the end, even though I hated the outcome, and even though I would’ve gladly traded all of the mash-ups for an Elise-Stevie Nicks duet, it was actually pretty great as finales go.

We got an epic double dose of ADORABLE from Skylar and Reba:

The fabulous Ms. Fantasia Barrino returned to join forces with Josh Ledet and together they scared the pants (or sparkly black and red pantsuit if you prefer) off of me and Scotty McCreery:

A glittering unicorn returned to join forces with another glittering unicorn and together they pranced around in a valley full of rainbows:

We got to skip the usual torturous “remember how funny the bad auditions were?” segment, and instead got “Singing the Phonebook,” a very funny gag which doubled as both a fun final showcase of the vocal prowess of the top 12 and a clever jab at Idol’s resident village idiot; Mr. Randy Jackson.

All in all, I’d call that a stellar end to another stellar season of Idol. Sure, it ended with yet another victory for the Y chromosomes, but Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote that “American Idol is a journey, not a destination.” Or something. And in spite of this and all other evidence to the contrary, I refuse to believe that it’s no longer possible for a woman to win American Idol. It’s going to happen, you’ll see – one of these days we will come out on top!

Come back in the fall – we’ll have some fun with The Voice and The X Factor!

Until then,